Of course, you can now buy Tom Brady retirement sand on eBay

Not until Tom Brady lost his battle to time did we even know retirement sand would be a thing.

You better go to your local blood bank, tap the vein and spend all the cash you don’t have on some Tom Brady retirement sand before you miss out on a life-changing, money-making opportunity!

After losing all of your not-so-hard-earned money to SBF over at FTX, you are still a complete and total sucker for Brady. I mean, he is The GOAT after all. After losing to the Atlanta Falcons and the Dallas Cowboys back-to-back, Brady nearly lost it telling us on Wednesday that he is done playing football and will take over for Greg Olsen in FOX’s No. 1 broadcasting booth with Kevin Burkhardt.

In a shocking turn of events, Brady’s Tampa sands of time are being auctioned off over on eBay.

Who knew that a mason jar was all anyone would need to take more money from sad individuals?

From one Sandman to another, your money is better spent on a Metallica cassette tape or a Blu-ray copy of Jack and Jill than you are to spend cold, hard cash on Brady’s sad message in a bottle.

Sending out an S.O.S. to the sucker who buys this. Call The Police because that dude got robbed!

People bought pet rocks, so they will definitely buy Tom Brady retirement sand

While there one day may be more regulation on Brady retirement sand as a commodity bought and sold on the New York Stock Exchange than the first few waves of crypto, P.T. Barnum is rolling in his grave laughing at all the dumb people actually wanting to pay for a day at the beach. The only way this gets better if it requires social security numbers to come up with some sand dollars!

PhDs, MBAs and BAs be damned. It’s all about GEDs here, which stands for Git Er Done!!! Not since you booked a flight to Disney World or obeyed your TicketMaster you, Swiftie, you, have you been this dead-set on getting what is rightfully yours. Who needs to pay their mortgage when you can use Brady retirement sand as collateral? The bank will take your home and your mason jar of sand.

Never before have you discussed with your spouse on the importance of selling one of your kidneys on the black market. To quote Foo Fighters, it’s times like these you learn to live again. You only live once. Hashtag blessed with YOLO swag dripping out the wazoo, you get Brady retirement sand only for it to spill onto your driveway with the rest of the sand … because you live in Florida.

The best way to pay tribute to The GOAT is to make a pilgrimage to the beach and pay an offering.

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