Give Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Kenny Pickett a round of applause for doing something about his tiny Burger King hands.
When you think of Kenny Pickett, you think of Pittsburgh greatness first, but you think of The Fake Slide King’s tiny hands soon thereafter.
The former Pitt star and the face of the Pittsburgh Steelers probably grew up thinking his hands were just fine. Well, he got measured at the NFL Combine two years and everybody soon found out what a freak he is. We didn’t know he had to play junior guitars or have Dollar Store Brady Quinn feed him a delicious Whopper lathered in Heinz ketchup, but this is our new reality, guys!
In an attempt of playing god with his palms, Pickett told the guys on The Pivot that he put in the good work over the offseason to growing his hands in a not-so-good, old-fashioned manner.
“I stretched them out a little bit. I was doing some exercises. I was at 8 1/2 at the Combine. I got them to 8 5/8 at the Pro Day. I was trying everything I could. I was sleeping in a splint to stretch my hand out. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
I would give Pickett a high five right now if I could, but I’m afraid I would explode his supple wrist.
Kenny Pickett wants his hands to be nine inches more than anything in the world
Not since Uncle Jack entered the courtroom have we seen a full-grown man do something so extravagant about his not-so-full-grown hands. Even though Pickett’s digit-altering exploits sound so unbelievably Team 3 Russell Wilson, we do like him. Pickett is a team guy, but he won’t be doing high knees for four hours in the aisle of a plane on a transatlantic flight while guys sleep.
When I think of nine inches, I think of Trent Reznor nailing that dope industrial sound. Get your head out of the gutter, you filthy animal. Don’t act like you’re not impressed with one of the most inspirational rock acts of all time, or the lengths Pickett will go to to give his feeble fingers some length, dawg. Yinz may have cuts and bruises on yours from doing hard work, but work is hard!
So the next time the Steelers play the division rival Cincinnati Bengals, I want Pickett to shake the hand of Joe Burrow at midfield before the coin toss, recognize the big number The Geauxt is rocking on his tiger-inspired jersey and say, “Yeah, I’m nine, too. Just look at these puppies, bruh!” I want Burrow and Pickett to have one of the best friendly rivals all time over having smaller hands.
If Burrow can win the AFC with his cute little hands, I’ll be damned if Pickett cannot do the same.
